Today sucked.
Last night a good friend came over for dinner. He told me he was so proud of me for the way that I am handling the whole cancer thing. I felt proud too in that moment. Now I don't. Today I feel petty, bitter, angry, sad, frustrated and MAD.
Sometimes I have days like this and, while they are rare, they are overwhelming. Today started out fine. I got a call from the cancer folks to come down today so they could insert a titanium tumor marker for surgery later on. I knew the call was coming but I didn't expect it to be such short notice. Okay, fine. I got ready and left the house. On my way out, yay, I got a parcel I'd been waiting for from Amazon with some books I'd ordered. I took one with me to read on the bus....
THIS WAS A MISTAKE.
There are seemingly millions of books and websites out there with lots of information on cancer and you really have to be careful which ones you pick up because WHAM!!! suddenly you can be hit in the head with a miserable cancer missile of vile awfulness. On just the first page I read the following with horror: ...it is now estimated that two people in five will see their life disrupted by cancer, and in spite of all the strength, the willpower, and the hope they devote to this struggle, barely half of them will survive five years into their diagnosis. JESUS H. CHRIST. Holy shit. WTF??? This was supposed to be a book of health and inspiration! You know what I want to say to the authors of that book? A big, loud "SHUT THE HELL UP!" (well, maybe I want to say worse things....)
Well, I can tell you that I am just not going to listen to such nonsensical, rambling, idiotic bull-shiza.
But it caught me off guard. I was feeling good. Feeling great even. A lot of great things have been happening in my life and I have been making some really positive changes and adding a lot more joy and bliss and creativity and purpose to every day.
I was feeling so good and so hopeful and like I really didn't have anything to worry about because how can anything bad happen when I am feeling so good? How could anything bad happen when I am finally starting to feel comfortable in my own skin and finding my place in the universe?
The cancer seemed far away and small and insignificant compared to all the joy I was hooking into.
So, apparently, not so far away. There it was, embedded in the opening remarks to a shitty book, reminding me how fucking serious it is; how fucking terrifying it is and really that I have a hell of a lot to be worried about.
By the time I got to the cancer agency I was in a spiritual spiral. I felt like the walking dead and sent poisonous looks to the healthy people all around me, seemingly squandering all their health and youth. The procedure was a lot more than I expected and was so similar to my two horrifying biopsies that I just started to silently cry as they poked me with more needles and discussed amongst themselves how dense my breast tissue was and how hard it was to get the titanium marker into the tumor. Then they told me I would need to get a mammogram right away to have a good image of where the marker is. Oh fucking fuck fuck fucking fuck fuck. Another mammogram. Another machine. Wandering around in a backless gown. Sitting in a waiting room with other people allowed to keep their clothes. More people squeezing my breasts and poking them and writing on them and bandaging them.
I hate crying and I hate letting this get to me and I really hate crying in front of the doctors.
Today sucked. So, I'm having a pity party tonight and just letting myself wallow a little in the hopes it will be over by tomorrow and that I'll get back into that positive head space.
If anyone is reading this and sorry they did because of my negativity....I apologize. But you know what? Cancer fucking sucks and sometimes I feel like being cranky and venting and yes, being angry and jealous of the healthy people even though that is irrational and mean and crazy.
Tomorrow I will be better.
Last night a good friend came over for dinner. He told me he was so proud of me for the way that I am handling the whole cancer thing. I felt proud too in that moment. Now I don't. Today I feel petty, bitter, angry, sad, frustrated and MAD.
Sometimes I have days like this and, while they are rare, they are overwhelming. Today started out fine. I got a call from the cancer folks to come down today so they could insert a titanium tumor marker for surgery later on. I knew the call was coming but I didn't expect it to be such short notice. Okay, fine. I got ready and left the house. On my way out, yay, I got a parcel I'd been waiting for from Amazon with some books I'd ordered. I took one with me to read on the bus....
THIS WAS A MISTAKE.
There are seemingly millions of books and websites out there with lots of information on cancer and you really have to be careful which ones you pick up because WHAM!!! suddenly you can be hit in the head with a miserable cancer missile of vile awfulness. On just the first page I read the following with horror: ...it is now estimated that two people in five will see their life disrupted by cancer, and in spite of all the strength, the willpower, and the hope they devote to this struggle, barely half of them will survive five years into their diagnosis. JESUS H. CHRIST. Holy shit. WTF??? This was supposed to be a book of health and inspiration! You know what I want to say to the authors of that book? A big, loud "SHUT THE HELL UP!" (well, maybe I want to say worse things....)
Well, I can tell you that I am just not going to listen to such nonsensical, rambling, idiotic bull-shiza.
But it caught me off guard. I was feeling good. Feeling great even. A lot of great things have been happening in my life and I have been making some really positive changes and adding a lot more joy and bliss and creativity and purpose to every day.
I was feeling so good and so hopeful and like I really didn't have anything to worry about because how can anything bad happen when I am feeling so good? How could anything bad happen when I am finally starting to feel comfortable in my own skin and finding my place in the universe?
The cancer seemed far away and small and insignificant compared to all the joy I was hooking into.
So, apparently, not so far away. There it was, embedded in the opening remarks to a shitty book, reminding me how fucking serious it is; how fucking terrifying it is and really that I have a hell of a lot to be worried about.
By the time I got to the cancer agency I was in a spiritual spiral. I felt like the walking dead and sent poisonous looks to the healthy people all around me, seemingly squandering all their health and youth. The procedure was a lot more than I expected and was so similar to my two horrifying biopsies that I just started to silently cry as they poked me with more needles and discussed amongst themselves how dense my breast tissue was and how hard it was to get the titanium marker into the tumor. Then they told me I would need to get a mammogram right away to have a good image of where the marker is. Oh fucking fuck fuck fucking fuck fuck. Another mammogram. Another machine. Wandering around in a backless gown. Sitting in a waiting room with other people allowed to keep their clothes. More people squeezing my breasts and poking them and writing on them and bandaging them.
I hate crying and I hate letting this get to me and I really hate crying in front of the doctors.
Today sucked. So, I'm having a pity party tonight and just letting myself wallow a little in the hopes it will be over by tomorrow and that I'll get back into that positive head space.
If anyone is reading this and sorry they did because of my negativity....I apologize. But you know what? Cancer fucking sucks and sometimes I feel like being cranky and venting and yes, being angry and jealous of the healthy people even though that is irrational and mean and crazy.
Tomorrow I will be better.
